In school, you might have been assigned to read Charles Dickens’ Great Expectations. I have a feeling most new readers aren’t reading this novel by choice. Dickens’ books get a bad rap, but perhaps that’s because of the negative expectations created by the opinions of others and the size of his books, which tend to be thick with small print inside.
I’ve read several of his books over the years and while Oliver Twist remains my favorite, Great Expectations is one of the first great coming of age stories in literature and will always be a book I fondly remember, even if I never intend to read it again. The novel was original released as a serial novel over the course of almost a year and as a writer of serial fiction; I think it would probably be better received today in this form. Maybe the 2023 BBC miniseries will enliven fresh interest.
In the story, we see the transformation of the main character from an orphan with no expectations to a young man of “great expectations.” In the culture he’s born into, expectations often determine reality. While not a true caste system, such as might be found in India, the barriers are significant for anyone looking to cross between them. The same might be true at some level in your own culture.
You’ll have to read the book or watch one of the adaptations to learn whether or not the hero is successful, but today I wanted to talk about how expectations affect our own reality. It was in college when I realized that all disappointment in life comes from unmet expectations. Think about it. When you feel sadness, frustration and sometimes anger, the source is usually that you expected things to come out differently than the way they did.
So what am I saying? Expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed? No, that’s not a feasible or healthy solution. In fact, sometimes our response to the situation can make it worse.
Do you:
- Expect the worse from those around you, living your life as a cynic.
- Suffer in silence until you blow up or let your resentment grow until you’re overcome with bitterness.
- Make snide, passive aggressive comments to those who disappoint you.
- Complain to others, becoming the person known for having a negative opinion about everything.
- Leave the situation, cutting off contact with anyone who doesn’t meet your expectations.
Functioning in any of these ways might serve as an effective survival mechanism, but it doesn’t lead to a better future where you can get things done while having good relationships with those you interact with. During my career, I’ve worked in people-centric fields where my job was related to interacting with others, both those I was working with and sometimes “customers”. If I’d functioned in the manner described above, I would never have been able to do my jobs well and I most likely would be in a much darker place emotionally.
I hope I’ve improved some over the years in how I navigate expectations. Here are a few of the things I’ve learned and wish I was more consistent practicing:
- Communicate expectations well – this is the cornerstone of having positive experiences with expectations. If we turn it around, think about any time you’ve been working and your boss expected you to do something that you didn’t understand or knew nothing about. No one enjoys that experience. Complex expectations are better communicated in writing and clarified verbally. If you have to let people know what you expect in a conversation, make sure they repeat it back to you so you know they heard what you said.
- When your expectations aren’t met (and this will happen sometimes, no matter how careful you are), learn to deal with it in a positive way. You may need time to cool off and take some time to think about what went wrong. If you see it as a learning experience, you’ll be able to improve what happens the next time.
- Learn to communicate disappointment in a positive way. When people fail to meet clarified expectations, they need to know it’s problematic and you want it to go better the next time. Even if you won’t be using the service again, it’s helpful for the person or business to know why. People can’t improve if they don’t know there’s a problem. At the same time, this isn’t a personal attack. Focus on the specific point of shortfall and what you think went wrong. Ask them if they agree or have another idea.
- Give grace. Sometimes things go wrong that are beyond anyone’s control. Sometimes people just make mistakes. When this happens, treat people the way you would like to be treated when you make a mistake. Grace is always appreciated. This doesn’t mean you ignore the mistake, but you don’t have to bring the maximum penalty just because you can.
- Walk away from those who continually disappoint you. Some people prove themselves to be toxic. Some people don’t care. You don’t have to break off the relationship completely if you work with the person or they’re someone who is a part of your life, but you don’t have to depend on them and set yourself up for more disappointment.
One note, these points are meant for regular work/church/personal relationships. This is not a a guide for relating to your spouse and children. Some of these principles will be helpful in those relationships as well, but close family relationships come with an intensity that can sometimes cause practical tools to backfire. Your spouse is not your business associate. Don’t treat them like that. Start with grace and go from there.
What does the Bible say about expectations?
- We should expect great things from God, who doesn’t disappoint. Psalm 62:5, Philippians 4:6
- Christians are to be a people filled with hope, not with despair. This is centered on the fact that our ultimate hope is not in this world or its inhabitants, but in eternity. Jeremiah 29:11, Matthew 11:28, Hebrews 7
- We, of all people, should recognize the frailty and sinfulness of humanity and be willing to give grace to our fellow travelers. Colossians 3:13, 4:6, Matthew 10:8, Ephesians 4:32
Great expectations don’t have to be a problem. If we can properly manage our own expectations and carefully influence the expectations others have of us, we can function in a way where they are truly great and not just a great burden to bear.
Seeing God 